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Post by Butterfly Kisses on Mar 8, 2006 12:22:34 GMT 10
Yay!! Tank Two for letting me read the first bit before you posted, but in the second part- I was also desperately searching for some sort of towel to save my ears from him screaming like I girl.
It's "a girl", minor typo, but I'd thought I'd point it out. Btw, did you do the second part in word first or did you do it directly, cos if Word didn't pick it up, it must be getting really stupid.
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Post by Daisy on Mar 8, 2006 12:26:19 GMT 10
yes i did and thanks i fixed it
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Post by Daisy on Mar 8, 2006 15:40:12 GMT 10
There was a man behind the bed with the same execution style as the woman. I took out rubber gloves from my pocket (a must for all policewomen) and rifled through their belongings. Their wallets only had their drivers licences- no money or cards. I read them; there was no M. Martin. Whoever it was, was either dead in the closet or was the person who killed them. Fortunately I check the closet and there were no surprises waiting for me. Unfortunately I had a few dead bodies and a run away criminal. I put their belongings back where I found them and walked back out to the room where Ray was still screaming like a girl. ‘Did you bring the towels?’ he squealed in between grunts ‘No’ ‘Hello! I’m dying here’ ‘Number one: stop being such a baby. Number two: you are not going to die and number three: I just found two dead bodies in the bedroom’ I saw as the pain in his face turned to grief. I knew he hated the sight of blood, or bodies for that matter. ‘Seriously’ he said starting to go pale. ‘Seriously’ I said smirking. He was one of the biggest babies of the lifetime. He was twenty-two and I have no idea how he got onto our police force because he is such a wimp. I being twenty-seven and the much more experienced than him knew how to handle these situations and I would do just about anything to get this case. I could see by his face that he would do just about anything to not get this case. My face dropped its smirk as I noticed that he was on the verge of throwing up. ‘You haven’t even seen the bodies yet.’ ‘I know that.’ He said in an I-know-everything voice. There was a knock at the door which we had conveniently closed to stop any spectators coming in. ‘Well don’t puke,’ I said making my way to the door, ‘this place is officially a crime scene. They might use your vomit as evidence’ he laughed sarcastically while I fiddled with the door knob. When I finally opened it, I was about to mouth off at the paramedic for taking his time, I saw not any ambulance personnel but my brother’s long-time best friend, Harley Rodacker. I stared at him and couldn’t help it when my mouth dropped open. I was stating to feel a bit suspicious. What was he doing here? Why was he here? How did he get to look so good? ‘Alicia. W-what are you doing here?’ he stuttered. He wasn’t usually a stutter but I heard when people are nervous that’s what they tend to do. ‘I was about to ask you the same question.’ ‘Call the ambulance!’ Ray cried from the ground. ‘Shut up, Ray! So, Harley, what are you doing here?’ ‘I’m looking for Angelica Magor. I thought she lived here.’ He looked over my shoulder as if he expected to see her come out from behind me and shout out his name. ‘Or I could be mistaken.’ ‘You know what-’ but I stopped. Could the dead woman in the bedroom be her? ‘She’s your girlfriend?’ he nodded ‘Has she been missing lately?’ ‘Fiancée; actually. We fought last week and I haven’t heard from her since.’ I nodded. She was probably just hiding so that she could cool off. But just to be sure… ‘Follow me.’ I said, leading him inside. He had a box of chocolates, I noticed. Like he thinks chocolates will make it all better. A woman would not touch chocolates, knowing that it will go straight to their hips. When we passed the blood spot on the ground, I looked back at him. His eyes were stuck to the patch. I could tell that he was about to be sick. If you thought your girlfriend was brutally murdered, I guess that you would too. I pushed open the door to the bedroom and revealed the people inside. ‘Is that her?’ I said, pointing to the woman behind the door. He started to shake his head. He was looking extremely sick and I was even more afraid that he was the one that would contaminate the crime scene. ‘No, but that’s her sister.’ I suddenly realised that this was probably worse than I thought. I had a feeling that this had something to with what Aaron had said before. It was a set up. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. ‘You’re going to need to come down to the station and make a statement.’ I was looking at him but he didn’t notice. His eyes were still glued to her. That’s when I heard Ray scream that the ambulance and the police had arrived. We left the room and they wheeled Ray away on a bed to the van. I told the other officers what had happened and about the people in the bedroom. It felt weird. Police telling police about what was happening at a crime scene. I was told by the senior constable to escort Harley to the police station for his statement. I nodded in agreement and told him to follow me in his car. The whole time that I was driving I couldn’t get Aaron’s words out of my head. It was all a set up…maybe it was. ________________________________________________________________________________________
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Post by Butterfly Kisses on Mar 8, 2006 16:46:00 GMT 10
I can't believe it. I've known you since kindy and I don't think I've ever read something you've written. Anyway, I'm really enjoying the style f your writing and the way you write your characters. Especially Ally. The plot development is also coming along really well and it seems you've researched this well, or watched enough cop shows.
d**n, forgot what I was gonna say............. Oh well, I'll post again if I remember.
EDIT: Heh. I just noticed that my d,a,m,n was modified. *is amused*
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Post by Shadow on Mar 8, 2006 18:01:22 GMT 10
What happened to Ray? why was he screaming?
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Post by Daisy on Mar 9, 2006 6:50:58 GMT 10
have you read the whole story? refer to the first post
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Post by Daisy on Mar 9, 2006 7:12:14 GMT 10
Chapter 2
I entered the station with my sunglasses still on. They were Raybans. Not that I thought they were cool or anything but they were my Grandad’s and he told me it was essential for all cops to wear them. And I believed him; I also thought I looked pretty menacing in them and if anybody tried to cross me…bam! All the officers were giving me death stares. I knew what they meant. Charles Lamsborg got them last year when he was assigned the Desmonds case and got on national television. Whatever case I got, it was a good one. Jamie Maylord walked over to me with the biggest grin I had ever seen on his face. Jamie was thirty-three, married with two kids and has been my best friend for as long as I had been on the force. ‘Man, Alicia, what are you trying to hide behind those glasses.’ ‘Just my eyes. I don’t want to freak anybody out with how dazzling they are.’ I said, taking my glasses off. He leaned against the wall and threw his head bacl, laughing hysterically. ‘You laugh now,’ I said poking him in the chest ‘but just you wait.’ He slapped my hand away and held it so that I wouldn’t touch him again. But unfortunately for him, I have two hands. ‘So I heard you got the Coleman case.’ ‘I did? Oh man.’ ‘And that’s a bad thing? They guy killed three people. You found two of them, remember?’ and that’s when it clicked. They though Aaron had killed those two people. I can see how, it was the obvious explanation, but even I had my doubts. I was about to laugh and debate with him when the door opened and Harley entered. I said goodbye to Jamie and told him we’d finish our discussion later. I then walked over to Harley and showed him to the interviewing room.
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Post by Butterfly Kisses on Mar 9, 2006 9:26:00 GMT 10
Yay for a new chappie. My comments are pretty mmuch the same as before, good writing style, good characterand plot development and yay for Ally.
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Post by Daisy on Mar 9, 2006 14:45:15 GMT 10
He took a seat and I sat opposite him. A woman entered and sat next to me. I explained to Harley that she was Maria and she would be writing down and recording our conversation. And then I started our interview:
Alicia: Is it working? Harley: I don’t know. The light’s on Alicia: The light’s on. Maria is it working? Maria: It’s working. Alicia: Okay. You said that you came to the apartment to see your fiancée. Was she living in the apartment beforehand? Harley: She moved around a lot. She never actually lived somewhere. We were going to live together later on. That was the last place that she had moved to. Alicia: You said that the woman was her sister. Can you tell me her name? Harley: Her name was Margo. Margo Magor. Alicia: Make sure you spelt that properly Maria. Maria: M-A-G-O-R? Alicia: Please write that Harley has nodded. Did you recognise the man behind the bed? Harley: I think I remember him…he was her boyfriend. I remember him from the engagement party. Alicia: And when was this party? Harley: Two weeks ago. Just about. Alicia: Do you know an Aaron Coleman? Harley: We went to school together. Maria: Can you specify the we? Alicia: Maria! My investigation, remember? Harley: Me, Alicia, Aaron and Mitch. Alicia’s brother. Alicia: Thank you. Are you happy know Maria? Have you seen him at all this past year? … Harley? Harley: I thought I saw him at the party but to tell to you the truth I was too suffocated by people that I couldn’t tell. By the time I went to talk to him, he was gone. Alicia: Harley, who lived in the apartment with Angelica? Harley: Margo did; with her boyfriend Marcelino. Alicia: Martin? Harley: Yeah, Marcelino Martin. He owned the apartment. How did you know? Alicia: Thank you, you’re free to go. Maria: But it’s been less than half an hour. Alicia: I have no further questioning, you may go. Maria: I have some quest- Alicia: Goodbye. ***
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Post by Butterfly Kisses on Mar 9, 2006 14:56:15 GMT 10
yay! new material. Daisy, you update really fast, thanks, it keeps me happy when people update fast. (especially considering I have no time to do it myself)
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Post by Shadow on Mar 9, 2006 19:44:54 GMT 10
Are there 2 Alicias?
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Post by Butterfly Kisses on Mar 10, 2006 3:39:59 GMT 10
Nup, all are one of the same. Wait no, they're all the same prson *headdesks*
EDIT: Now I remember what was going to say before. Your icon kinda maks me think of Alicia. Dunno why.
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Post by Daisy on Mar 10, 2006 6:34:56 GMT 10
I threw my keys down onto the desk and dropped my bag next to them. I was holding the tape of the interview and was tapping it in between my fingers. This was my I'm-thinking-really-deep-thoughts position. Well I wouldn’t really call it a position. More of a thought cleanser. I looked over at my answering machine. I had four messages. I pressed the playback button and they sounded in order of the time. “Ally, its mummy. Alicia if you’re there pick up the phone. I wanted to make dinner arrangements for our family. I guess that’s all…just your old mother caring. Well, goodbye. Oh, and if Olivia‘s there, then tell her to come home” BEEP “Alicia, it’s Linda. Are you coming to the baby shower or what? Just call me back and tell me. Ryan and I are really hoping that you will make it. Uh…bye.” BEEP “Hey Alicia. What’s up. I’m having this great party next week. If you may have forgotten it’s my birthday. And yes, Julia is getting another year older. Hard to believe, I know. So come Ally. It’s no fun without you. Especially not at a bar.” BEEP I hate having a social life. All they do is send me pointless messages. Do they really think I want to go to their parties. But their my friends, so I may as well go. I was about to pick up the phone and call them when the last message played. It was silent for a while, with crackling noises in the background, and for a second I thought it was one of those survey people when the silence broke with a single “Alicia”. my heart jumped an extra beat. I had a horrible feeling that it was my sister, Olivia, in trouble. She should have been here by now. She hated going home and instead stayed with me, which I hated. She used all the conditioner for Pete’s sake. I had to playback all of the messages again just to make sure that it was or was not her. But when I heard it again, it was not my sister’s teenage voice but a low man’s voice. This could only mean one thing. My father was doing my mother’s dirty work. Or more probably, Aaron had found out my number. It was only a matter of time before… There was a knock at the door. I practically jumped right through the ceiling. I had to stop scaring myself so much.
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Post by Daisy on Mar 10, 2006 6:41:59 GMT 10
I slowly picked up the vase next to the phone on the table and held it up, ready to hit the person who was slowly turning the knob. I braced myself as the door opened. I was hit, not with a brick, but with a familiar voice. ‘You have to get that door fixed. It’s always jamming’ Olivia entered and shut the door behind her. I slammed the vase back onto the table with enough force to send it through to Mrs Caval downstairs. ‘d**n it Olivia, you almost gave me a heart attack. I could of killed you. What were you thinking?’ ‘That I wanted to come inside. You know and go to bed.’ she said it to me like I was slow or something. I was taking that as an insult. ‘You have a perfectly good one at home. You know in your room…at our parents house.’ ‘I know but I hate it there.’ and she sat on my couch. Just like that. She just walked over and slumped down on my couch. This was almost as bad as Aaron just jumping out of that window. ‘Olivia, Mum wants you home.’ ‘But it’s so much better here.’ ‘But it’s my apartment. You’re fifteen. Please, please, please be normal and leave me alone.’ ‘But you can afford to have me here.’ ‘But the only way I can do that is to blow all my money on keeping you here.’ I felt like throwing that really pretty vase from before, which I had received for a birthday present from Aunty Liv, at her head. But I didn’t have any time because the phone rang. I walked over to it, still fuming from our argument. I picked it up vigorously and shouted a hello into the receiver. ‘Hello Alicia. Nice or you to pick up for a change.’ ‘Not now. Call back some other time okay.’ ‘Not okay. Did you see those people. I didn’t kill them.’ ‘I really don’t want to talk about that right now. My sister’s here and I don’t exactly feel like talking to you.’ she immediately spun around at that. She looked at me with her mouth wide open. I gave her a it’s-not-like-that look and she shook her and said ‘Ooh, lovers quarrel’ and put all her attention back to the show she was watching. ‘I’m sure she won’t mind. Oh and sorry about the window fiasco before.’ he was apologising… to me. No criminal has ever apologised. Well except for when they want their sentence cut. ‘And about or date. I was thinking about Friday. That’s two days from now. Okay? Okay.’ I was suddenly slapped back to reality when I realised what he had just said to me. ‘Date? What date?’ but the phone line was already dead. ‘Aaron!’ I screamed into the phone, hoping that some magic would make him hear me.
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Post by Daisy on Mar 10, 2006 9:25:25 GMT 10
__________________________________________________________________________
Chapter 3
I woke up and looked at my clock. It was 5:30. I just remembered then that I hadn’t seen my cat since before yesterday. I shot up and was about to search the apartment frantically when I saw him resting happily at the end of my bed. I could have lost it then. He was a house cat and somebody (not naming any names) had let him out. But I didn’t. I walked out into the kitchen and opened the pantry. I had a box of cereal, pancake mix and other stuff which were not for morning consumption. I sighed and pulled the cereal box out.
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